My son shall always be his father's son. And yes, my insides are churning as I write this.
If anyone has been through an acrimonius divorce where children are involved then they would understand why my insides would be churning with the thought of my son always being his father's son.
We were lovers, dated for years then tied the knot. I knew he wasn't my ideal man but I had fallen pregnant and I needed my son to be raised with both parents. The rest of the story of how things unfolded are in this blog.
I remember once after leaving my marital home, I was seated in the living room at my parents home and my little man walked in. For a moment it struck me how much he resembled his dad and a wave of resentment swept through me. But those feelings were immediately replaced. I took my son in my arms and tightly held him regretting that I had allowed myself to be overcome with such feelings. I have not courted those feelings since then for I know it is not my son's fault that his father is what he is.
I still worry sometimes about my son turning out to be an alcoholic or an irresponsible man like his father despite the fact that they have minimal interraction. Do genes have a way with such habbits? Maybe I just think so much into things.
My son and his father have no relationship. He sees his father once in a while and I can say there is no active role his father plays in his life. No contribution to his upbringing whatsoever and birthday wishes stopped when he was about 3years old. Last christmas eve his father came to see him after so long and my son reminded him that whenever people come to visit him they have to bring him a toy or any small token. I was glad my own toddler reminded his father that small little gifts do count and if other people can do it, why can't he as the father do it. Gladly it happened when I was not at home lest he thinks that I had coached the young man.
I was very bitter sometime ago, especially when I was struggling to support me and my son. I went back to school to pursue my masters and left my son with my parents who have done a tremendous job taking care of him. But I was always guilty that I left them with him yet I could not afford to fully support him by way of contribution for his upkeep. I was peniless. My son was due to start nursery when I was abroad and I did not want my parents to pay his fees. I wanted to take full responsibilty whatever the cost. Luckily I got a well payng part time job over christmas holidays and sent all the money home as fees for his first year in school. Many times I thought of calling up the dad to send some money or show some concern since my parents weren't the parents of my child and didnt have to bear the burden of bringing him up yet he had a father who was earning. But my pride wouldn't let me. I vowed to sweat it all out on my own and never leave my son wanting. But I wrote the father a letter to let him know his son had started school. His reply? 'Thats great news!'
It was never an easy ride but I must say I have never faltered in providing for my son. My son is invaluable and there is no price tag for him. I hated the divorce sessions when his support was contested. Sometimes I asked myself why I had to go to great lengths to ask this man for child support. But the whole notion of 'he shall take the props after all my sweat when this child is older so let him pay' kept nudging me until one day I decided I had to let that go and commit to raising young man without expecting or asking for child support. What shall happen in the future, wether he takes the props or not is irrelevant.
I have been blessed with good fortune. I am glad to say I am now seeing my young man through one of the best schools for nursery in the city where he is living with my parents. Its quite pricey but worth the sacrifice. Its been more than five months since I got my divorce, no sight of his dad and I can say I am not complaining. I still hope I can continue to see my son through the best schools, raise him to be a confident responsible young man and most importantly raise him to appreciate who he is despite the demons of his early childhood(my divorce).
I know my son loves his father. You can see it when they are together. He has asked me why his father doesn't stay with us and I have explained to him in a child friendly way that we cannot stay together since he has other matters to attend to. When he is older I shall give him a more mature explanation. He knows we were once married and knows that before babies are born, the daddy and mummy must have a wedding. So sometime back he asked if I shall get married again because he wants to get a sister and brother and I told him that I shall and that he will be there at my wedding to celebrate with me. He asked if his father can come to my wedding and I said that its perfectly fine with me. Then there was this glow in his eyes!!
In the near future I shall be getting married to my fiancé. He knows all about my son and I have made it clear to him that my son is top priority in my life. He knows the father to my son. He is willing to be the father of my son in every sense of the word and I appreciate that most about him. Before we got engaged, we spoke at length about what being a step-dad means and the cultural stigma of being a step child. My son being accepted by his family is paramount to me. Gladly in his family his late mother and all his sisters got married with a child from another relationship making the step child issue an non-issue really. I am not worried about that aspect but I am also very conscious about the issue of 'belonging' where my child is concerned.
Children are very curious beings and the issue of belonging always has a way of playing in their minds as they grow up. Reading Obama's book manifests that even with the most comfortable upbringing, children still seek where they belong. Once that thirst is not quenched then the burning desire still clouds ones mind. And boy can it be destructive? Those questions must be answered. My bestfriend was also brought up by her step dad. Her mother never wanted her to have anything to do with her other side of the family and yet she was never really accepted by her step dad's family, she was always 'the other child'. She was also her mom's constant reminder of her past. That was very destructive to my friend. She practically hunted down her other family and made every effort to be acknowledged but they weren't all embracing. Her wedding was some months ago and her efforts to bring both sides together on a particularly special day almost turned out into a disaster. It was the last thing she expected and that broke my heart. We have talked often since then and resorted to her starting her own legacy through the children she shall bear. And I know she shall succeed. I know you can't run away from your true identity but you can stash the ugly bits of it away while trying to rebuild something worthwhile yet correcting mistakes of the past.
My next family is not Rwandan. Whole new culture! I know I have to do alot of work where raising my son in a balanced way is concerned. But sometimes I am overwhelmed with thoughts of how best to strike this balance. But all in all one thing is for sure, a strong minded mother can never go wrong. I know there shall be some confusion while he is growing up and especially at the age when he wants to seek out his roots. Its a great task indeed and may I never fail!
