The break up, remembering Pedro and squeezing out of the hard place!

It shall be three weeks tomorrow since I called off my engagement. This has been one hell of a painful ride and I guess it will still be for a little while. I have a strange way of dealing with shocking situations- I go numb for a while and after several days, that’s when my emotions let loose. The past weeks have been characterized by high moments when I have thought of myself as so lucky as to have known about this early enough, knowing that I have a wonderful son to take care of and give my undue attention to as well as the consolation of a flourishing career. Then the low moments when I have asked myself a lot of questions. It is all part of the process I suppose and I really can’t wait to put this past me. He has been trying to communicate, even sent me a thank you (for everything) email, tried calling and asked mutual friends to talk to me but I prefer not to communicate until I have totally come around the situation at hand. One thing about me is that I love so deeply, I never go half way when it comes to my relationships and that’s just me. I have no doubt that I would do it all over again even after my share of disappointing relationships. But on the other hand, when the other party betrays me or lets me down, I never look back.

In these past days, it has become very clear to me that most times people marry because of the perks that the relationship offers (presentable wife/husband, capable of raising your children, social standing, security, support and so on ) and not because they primarily love each other. And boy don’t they do a good job of impersonating love?? Maybe I am naïve or something, but my beliefs are different, these perks are secondary and should not be the foundation of the relationship/marriage or rather should not be capitalized on when finding/seeking a marriage partner. But how many people think like I do?

So for now, Maya is going to channel her energies elsewhere, I am looking to travelling the world, being a better mom, nourishing my spiritual life, enhancing my career, loving me more and keeping the good cheer.

Thanks to all those who have dropped a word of encouragement.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Over a month ago I wrote a post about Pedro an old flame but never completed it. I shall be short on this. Well, I didn’t succeed in keeping Pedro away; he remained good friends with me throughout my pregnancy. He was always at hand and we continued to go for the activities we both liked. Then one day Pedro told me something I will never forget. He said if my boyfriend never owned up, he was willing to be the father to my son. I was very touched by the gesture but I wanted my son to be raised by me and his real dad, so I didn’t take on Pedro’s offer even though I knew my son’s father was not going to own up anyway. Pedro had to leave and go abroad to pursue his masters, we promised to remain friends as usual and kept in touch occasionally after that. I went on to wed and eventually separated from my husband. But all the events had sort of changed me emotionally. Pedro remained a good memory, we still kept in touch and from our conversations I could tell he still cared for me deeply. But it wasn’t the same on my part.

I got an opportunity to go for my Masters in the same country where Pedro was and we met again. I was glad to see him again, but seeing him just reminded me of how much things had changed in my life. I was more comfortable with him as a trusted friend but I never thought of considering him as a lover. And I felt guilty about that because it seemed like he had been waiting for me. I made it clear to him that things weren’t the same; I had turned out to be paranoid about any form of relationship and even worse when it was sexual. With his persistence and of course my wanting to be “good” to him for the time he had been by my side when I was pregnant, I gave in to his demands and pursued a relationship with him.

I enjoyed two things about my relationship with Pedro, our long chats and doing what we did best in the past, discovering the best eateries and going to the movies. Not forgetting that he had great taste and always thought through the gifts he bought me. And I know this frustrated him big time because he was way ahead of me. He talked about marriage frequently, he had my pictures all over his house, he made me speak with his mom frequently when he called her and eventually he became very jealous and possessive to the extent that he often times checked my phone records and on many occasions tried to get my password(These reminded me so much of my ex and made me want my running shoes on). Then the constant complaints began. I don’t think my unwillingness to take him on as a lover worked well for us and in no time the relationship began to smoother me and I felt terrible for crossing the line where our friendship was concerned.

I asked to end the relationship midway my masters program but Pedro wouldn’t take it. So we agreed that we would end it when I left. I did just that when I returned and told him we should keep it as agreed but he wouldn’t let go.

Pedro was a wonderful man but the most he could be for me was a good friend. I know I hurt his feelings terribly and I think it was wrong to get into the relationship before fully recovering from the traumas of my marriage. I was happy to see him some months ago and am glad to say he has found a good lady and they shall be wedding soon.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Between a rock and a hard place was so much about some stifling aspects of my career, particularly it being used as bait for sexual advances. Am glad to say that I have been acting quite damn so to speak in the past months while holding on to getting what I want. I tried “smartly flirting away” then my conscience got the better of me, so I abandoned that ship and decided to face the problem head on. I spoke candidly to the gentleman about my concerns, particularly the sexual advances and told him I would rather know am getting the job on merit rather than know I shall be getting it because of his advances. To cut the long story short I managed to meet the partners of the law firm who reported that they were impressed by me and as I write this we are now discussing terms of my employment. I am keeping my fingers crossed because working for this law firm shall be of great benefit to me and my son. On whether this shall be the end of the fellow’s advances? I do not think so, and I don’t intend to let go of any opportunity because of some strange thinking person. However I have another interview at the end of this month and still am crossing my fingers! I am keeping all my options open, at the moment the opportunities seem promising and I shall post some updates when something solid materializes.

Keep smiling:)

Engagement called off!

The man of my dreams no longer is!

In my last post, I wrote about how my just concluded holiday was something I was so looking forward to, especially owing to the fact that I was going to spend some quality time with my son and catching up with Mr. P, the man I was engaged to until recently!

Ours was a distance relationship which I thought we had dealt with and were dealing with pretty well. We had great aspirations for our future as husband and wife, we had been through a few hurdles and were dealing with some like any other couple does and were utterly committed to each other or so I thought.

He left his email open and I frolicked through his inbox, only to find email exchanges between him and his presently engaged ex-girlfriend declaring their love for each other, how much they miss each other and so on! I did confront him and all he did was deny and keep saying that it wasn’t what I thought it was, trying to make me look like a fool yet the emails clearly spelt out infidelity!! It is at that point that I planned my quick exit, changed my ticket so I could get the earliest flight out, moved out of his apartment and into a hotel until I caught my flight home and of course left him with his ring and banned him from ever communicating.

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement but one thing for sure is that I don’t regret my decision and there is absolutely no way I am looking back. So that’s good riddance to bad shit, quite unfortunate I must say but boy am I glad I discovered this before walking down the aisle!

However, I have some very exciting news which I shall soon share on the blog and also share about my holiday with my little champ!

Hiatus

Maya is off for a much needed month's hiatus to spend some quality time with her wonderful men.

I am looking forward to having loads of fun with them, especially with my little man! He is quite a champ and is already marking his calendar and planning what activities we should do together! I have managed to get him a piggy bank, we are going to learn how to save!! As for the big man, lots of bonding to make up for the lost time and we have some serious issues to discuss. Both my men live away from me, with my son living with my parents in a city off the Indian Ocean coast and my man across the ocean from them.

Then, I have an informal interview coming up with the partners of the law firm I talked about here, hopefully, things shall pretty soon be less hazy on the professional front.

Honest scrap

Venue: The Blogsphere
Occasion: The Honest Scrap awards
Host: The lovely Mjay

The Award was presented by Mjay and in her own words,“This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.”

I am very flattered to say the least and humbly accept this award. To all my virtual friends especially you, Mjay (blows kisses), thank you for stopping by to check out my rumblings, may I continue to quench your curiosity(chuckles)! And thank you all for keeping me entertained with yours! Merci Beaucoup, Ahsanteni sana!!

So here we go with the 10 Honest things about me:

1. I can’t sing to save my life. When in church I sing with my voice so low, lest the person next to me hears the strange sounds…sometimes all am really doing is mouthing the words. I am better at doing the moves though.

2. I was once a talented child. Do talents vanish? :) Born and raised in Kenya, I attended a primary school there, which had loads of extracurricular activities. I did gymnastics and was good, I was in the school choir (yes I could sing those days), I was in the drama club and I also represented my school in speech contests which were normally held at the city hall/Nairobi primary/St. Georges school! I was quite a character actually and was one of those kids who was involved in every activity. Then my parents thought it was a grand idea to take me to boarding school in Uganda (the standard of education was better there) and all the talents vanished. Extracurricular activities were minimal; you went to school only to study and study I did!

3. Never went through the full blown effects of adolescence. I turned out to be a nerd of sorts and engrossed myself in excelling academically. I scorned all that adolescence brought with it thinking of it as destructive. On the other hand, I was every mother’s dream, a focused, hardworking and a well mannered teenager. Because of this I was one of those girls in school that were regarded as role models and of course during holidays, mothers liked to bring their daughters home to hang with me coz I wasn’t ‘spoilt’..Haha. The downside of it is that I never developed my social skills especially with the opposite sex. Because of my underdeveloped social skills especially with the opposite sex, I loathed being hit on by the boys. As a teenager, I budded beautifully and had loads of guys hitting on me so I resorted to wearing baggy clothes to hide my pointed hips and breasts thinking that would make me less attractive. All the way to University, I had no cool dress sense. Then One day I woke up and smelt the coffee!:)

4. I have two personalities. Before going to boarding school, I was that loud over the place kid. I was very popular so nobody got lost if they wanted to find my home, you just asked anyone in the estate where Maya’s home was and you easily found your way there. I never had the time for dolls and all those girly girly things, instead I played with the boys most times and destroyed things in the process of finding out what they were made of or contained. E.g. I destroyed our TV at one time trying to find out where the pictures came from. I was also one of those kids who organized the others into a dancing or singing troupe, my cousins loved me for this. I was a celebrated story teller and did very well in creating and spicing up my stories. It’s quite embarrassing meeting people from those days who ask if I am still the same and reminding me of how crazy I was. That there is the stubborn Maya! She found herself again after a brief hiatus of confusion and growing up. She still loves to laugh a lot and tell her spiced up stories (my son enjoys these the most, with him am more dramatic) and is still quite popular. She has turned out to be a big flirt and after a few sips of whiskey, she is on the loose trying out her charms on unsuspecting fellows and trying to challenge them to some of their machinations. Then there is the reserved Maya, very feminine, caring, organized and straight/focused so to speak-this side of her was tapped when she went off to boarding school and this is the side most people know. On a night out or after getting to know you better, the other side shines!!

5. I am not shy about being naked...a nudist beach is something I wouldn’t mind trying.

6. I am one of those people who get up and dance to that last soundtrack after a good movie at the cinema. I got a shocker recently when I took my son to the movies to watch Madagascar II and when the movie was over he stood up to dance to “I like to move it move it”, swinging his arms in the air and swinging his behind just like moto moto! Before long, some of the other little kids in the cinema hall were doing the same.

7. At one point in my life I dreamt of being a freedom fighter. Well, that dream faded and instead I busied myself with reading about different African freedom fighters!!

8. I like my men burly. The six-pack phenomenon doesn’t really do it for me.

9. A man can easily walk into my heart by making the best speech, making me laugh, doing something heroic or even by simply singing to me.

10. And I am verbose- look at all that scrap up there.:) Yaay!

And may I now take this opportunity to honor the following with this very award: 3TOC, Mkenya, Petesmama, Tamaku, Mwari , Kaasa, Marvin

Then the instructions for the award are:

1. You must brag about the award
2. You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger
3. You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.
5. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on!

Bonne Chance!!!

Remembering Pedro 1

Pedro is an old friend of mine, my second love actually.

Pedro was a pleasant young man; he was tall, a little heavy, had fine broad shoulders and walked with a slight limp. I found his slight limp and shoulders very attractive and often walked behind him so that I could relish him from the rear:)

I fell in love with Pedro when I was dating my first love who turned out to be my first husband.

I met Pedro at university. We had mutual friends and as such often hung out together.

My relationship with my then boyfriend was a distance one and being such a wuss, I spent most of my social time waiting and keeping myself for him. Sometimes I waited two months or more before I could see him even though he has just some hours by road from me! I never socialized with the boys at university unless I had a trusted escort of sorts being one of my close male friends. I usually hang out with my best friend and a few other girlfriends and enjoyed the simple pleasures of hanging out at the movies or café hoping for the nicest cakes or ice cream in town and giving ourselves monthly lunch or dinner treats at expensive restaurants in town. (I was one of those girls straight from a girls only catholic boarding school, had 6pm curfews during school holidays, read most of the books on etiquette and was in love with the idea of having a boyfriend and keeping yourself only for him until that magical day when you walked down the aisle to start your fairytale life even though you didnt approve of his moral standing...but time told a different story..haha)

Pedro was good friends with some of the girls I hang out with and he sometimes came with us. He was a teetotaler which made him even more attractive and he didn’t have a problem being the only guy hanging with the girls. We even had the same taste in music. He was everything my boyfriend wasn’t.

We both spent more years at Uni than our mutual friends because our degree courses took longer years. So it was inevitable that we ended up hanging just the two of us during that final year. I was very committed to my then boyfriend but I started getting a little too comfortable with Pedro. It was hard not to fall for Pedro. He was always at hand to help, took time to listen and even threw away his male ego just to fit into my program. He ended up being the person I would talk to whenever a fight arose between me and my boyfriend. Before long, the ‘wicked’ thoughts started crawling in and I started looking forward to the times I would spend with Pedro. I started finding him very attractive and wishing I wasn’t dating my then boyfriend. It didn’t help that during my final year, I only saw my boyfriend when I came home for holidays. It was such fertile ground for disgruntlement in the relationship. To make it worse I was getting tired of the constant calls from my then boyfriend asking me why I was hanging out and not in my room at Uni!! Pedro was a breath of fresh air and in a way my ticket to freedom. I just couldn’t help falling for him.

Time came when we completed Uni and I had to return home, not knowing we would see each other again. Saying bye was sad, exchanged our first I love yous and of course I hopelessly told him how I wished I had met him before!! I returned home and continued with my relationship. It did not get any better but like one of those things you can’t explain about a phase in your life, I cannot explain why I stayed in that relationship that continued to smother me.

I went back to the country where Pedro lived to pursue a post-grad course and before long we were hanging out together again. It was still the usual frolicking in town and discovering eateries as well as doing the movies. After a while, Pedro began making demands and asking me where he fitted in my life. He knew most of the issues in my relationship and before long he was asking me to end the relationship with my then boyfriend and take it on from there with him. That was a pressure I never appreciated.

I began seeing all the wrong colors in my relationship with my then boyfriend, tried several times to work things out, cried my eyes out for Pedro who was always there but I never got the guts to end it with my boyfriend......until I discovered that I was pregnant!

I started avoiding Pedro like a plague after that and decided to concentrate on what was at hand. Pedro had been great company and I indeed loved him but at that point, any hopes for us were shattered. Before long, I had started getting frantic phone calls from him asking what was wrong and I eventually broke the news to him that I was pregnant. It was not the best news for him but his first reaction was that he would marry me if my boyfriend didn’t own up.

When commemorating the genocide only spells death for survivors!

Every April 7th, Rwanda commemorates the Genocide that cost more than a million lives.

I just had dinner with a gentleman of about 60 years of age who survived the genocide by hiding for weeks in the ceiling of a good samaritan’s house. There were several occasions he told me, when he was so close to giving up hiding since he had lost all hope after eaves dropping on the conversations of killers who had come to end their day's work with some local brew at the house he was hiding in. The killers apparently tallied those they had killed at the end of every day over a pot of local brew and even boasted of achieving their goal of wiping out all the Tutsi! To make it worse the good samaritan reminded him every single day of how lucky he was since many Tutsis like him in the area had been wiped out, because they couldn't be hidden any longer by those who had given them a place to hide in their homes. He managed to survive the genocide luckily but his family did not!

After giving me his short account, he received a phone call from a friend who told him that two youths (genocide survivors) had been kidnapped, killed and their bodies dumped in a river.

Mysterious deaths of genocide survivors and harassment mark our commemoration of the genocide in Rwanda. For the next month, not only will genocide survivors remember their loved ones lost, but they will be faced with their greatest fear of dying most likely like those whose deaths they are commemorating.

Between a rock and a hard place!

A few weeks ago I met quite an interesting man…

I am currently trying to forge my way out of my current employment in the civil service and looking to ultimately find a job in another country. So far I have applied to about 3 jobs out of here and I am still waiting to either get shortlisted for interviews or be told that am either getting the job or not. And doesn’t the waiting really suck?

My job is what many people here would view as ideal. Not because of anything else but because of the status it brings with it which gives people the assumption that all is rosy on my work front! I get quite a high pay for the civil service and also get some attractive benefits. Otherwise, in terms of career development on my part, it’s just dead! The civil service here is characterized by 3 kinds of people: those who live, sleep and eat for it- the kind who think it’s the best place to do nothing, and get paid for it yet still manage to climb up the ranks through back-stabbing and the works; those who so love their country and have offered their services in the name of nation building-these never seem to climb up the ranks strangely enough and are most times the engine of the civil service; and those who are using it as a stepping stone for greater opportunities-and that’s where I lie.

The first category of people comprises of the majority of civil service staff and is one of the reasons I want my quick exit from the civil service. I do not understand how one wakes up every morning to say they are going to work but all they do is try to secure their jobs in the most disdain ways. I have had a chat with one or two of those in my department and asked what their ambitions are, only to be told that they do not see themselves beyond the Ministry and only hope to move at least one rank up in their job within. These are the same people I recently discovered have been filing the most sinister complaints about me and to say I am not surprised is an understatement.

The other thing is that never at any one day at my job except of course during regional meetings and some random tasks, have I sat and felt that I am making use of the proceeds from my intense training at law school and that’s why I really can’t wait to find a challenging job in a dynamic environment and with a whole load of driven and open minded people…a job where I can sit and appreciate why I went through the intensity of my legal training, a job that shall make me hunger for more knowledge, a job that is not all status and zero substance, a job that shall make me a better lawyer and finally a job that is bigger than who I am!! Oh and did I mention more money? Yeah, the kind that shall secure my son’s education in the best schools and the kind that shall make annual holidays affordable.

Until I met the interesting man recently, I have had a standing job offer here in my country which is much better than my current job but does not exactly fit in my description of my ultimate job. It serves though as a good transition to what would be my ideal job and the pay package is rather attractive.

Two weeks ago, I went out for a drink with a former lecturer who was in town for business. With him was a partner of a reputable British Law firm-the kind I would do anything to work for. They are quite a chatty pair, so conversation was really flowing and the drinks too. Then we got into a little debate about a contentious issue that involved one of their clients here. (I am a very opinionated person and as such not shy when it comes to expressing myself). So off I went voicing my opinion on the matter.

We moved on to have dinner and while having dinner the interesting gentleman said he was really impressed by my arguments and wondered if I would be interested in working for the law firm he works for but in Africa. I didn’t take the offer seriously since I didn’t consider a job offer would come that easily especially when it was to work for the said law firm! He insisted though that I must meet him for at least fifteen minutes the next day before he could catch his flight.

I did go the next day and the offer just blew me away- the kind that I really have been looking for and in their associate firm in the country I would like to call home in the next many years! I just kept telling myself that it was all a dream, and kept wondering how the man could be so right about what I hungered for and at such a time. I mentioned to him that I had a standing job offer and his response was that what they were offering me was in many ways a better deal and that I should consider the proposition.

The next day all I did was Google the partners and staff profiles of the associate law firm as well as the profile of this gentleman and of course conducted my other investigations on the fellow and whether his offer really did hold water. Thanks to a friend to an acquaintance who has worked for the firm in one of their African associate offices and gave me the go ahead to count on the offer.

But things have since taken a different turn.

The interesting man is now sending naughty text messages, calling in the night to ask how I am doing and how beautiful he thinks I am…..

It’s really a tough world we women live in!

It’s a shame that what seems to be my ultimate job is now being blurred by the recent turn of events.

Interesting how I chatted with a trusting male friend about this and he said that if the job is what I believe is my ultimate job then I should ‘smartly’ flirt away till I get hold of it!!??

…………………………………………………………………………..

And;

I do occasionally toy with thoughts of staying a single mom and today is one of those days. Someone please post me an encyclopedia on men…gees!!!